An Irish daughter had not been back home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time? Why don't you write? Don't you know what you put your old mom through?"

The girl, crying replied, "Sniff...Dad, I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here you shameless harlot, I don't ever want to see you again!"

"O.K. Dad, I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and....."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" the father says.

"A prostitute, Dad."

"Oh, bejesus, you scared me half to death girl, I thought you said Protestant. "Come give your old man a hug."

An Irishman was drinking in a Pub. He had been drinking there all day. Finally the bartender tells him "Look lad, ye been cut off. Time to go home" The Irishman tries getting off his stool and falls flat on his face. He tries standing up and falls flat on his face again. He crawls outside and tries standing up,... flat on his face again. He decides that he will crawl home. He only lives a half km away. He crawls home and up his front steps. He tries to stand to unlock his door and... flat on his face once more. Laying there on the stoop, he reaches up and unlocks the door. He crawls inside and up the stairs and into his bedroom. He tries standing up to take his clothes off and falls flat on his face on the bed where he passes out. First thing the next morning, his wife is right in his face hollering... "You were at the Pub again last night werent you?" He replies "How could you tell?" She hollers "Damnit, You left your wheelchair there again!"