An Irish daughter had not been back home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time? Why don't you write? Don't you know what you put your old mom through?"

The girl, crying replied, "Sniff...Dad, I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here you shameless harlot, I don't ever want to see you again!"

"O.K. Dad, I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and....."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" the father says.

"A prostitute, Dad."

"Oh, bejesus, you scared me half to death girl, I thought you said Protestant. "Come give your old man a hug."

The UDA boyz came to father Murphy who used to talk at sermons about sick influence of the british invasion to irish people... They said:
- One more time and you'll be dead, popist swine...

Next sermon they came to see if it's wrong.
Father Murphy was tellin' about the Lord's Supper and everithing was all right...
But then father Murphy said:
- ... And then Jesus asked Judas: "Will you betray me?" and Judas answered "No, sir"...