An Irish daughter had not been back home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time? Why don't you write? Don't you know what you put your old mom through?"

The girl, crying replied, "Sniff...Dad, I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here you shameless harlot, I don't ever want to see you again!"

"O.K. Dad, I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and....."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" the father says.

"A prostitute, Dad."

"Oh, bejesus, you scared me half to death girl, I thought you said Protestant. "Come give your old man a hug."

Old Mrs. O'leary goes to see the doctor. He asks what he can do for her. She replied that it wasnt her, "It seems to be me husband. Seems he cant get it up anymore" THe doctor asks her if she has ever thought about using Viagra. "Heavens no, I cant even get the man to take vitamins" He suggests that when her husband isnt looking, to slip some into his coffee. She said she would try that. A few weeks go by when the doctor calls her to see how things are going. "Terrible, just terrible" she replied. The doctor asked what was wrong. "Well, I did like ye told me and when he wasnt looking, I slipped some into his coffee. It must have taken effect right away cause after the first sip, Off went the table cloth, the salt and pepper shakers went flying, he tore me clothes off and had his way with me right there on the table, Oh it was terrible" The doctor asks "You mean the sex was terrible?" "Heavens no, It was the best sex I've had in 20 years" The doctor asked her what was so terrible then. "Well, it seems I cant ever show me face at that McDonalds again"