The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is HUGE-THOUSANDS. Her majesty and his holiness cant help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, The royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, That was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope SLAPS her.

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Englishman were walking along the beach when they came across what seemed to be an ancient lantern. Curious to see what this was, they picked it up and sure enough, a genie popped out and offered them 1 wish each. Paddy Scotsman replied "I come from a long line of fishermen and I would like to have full control of the worlds oceans". Granted. Paddy Englishman replied "I'm sick to death of foreigners coming in to my country so I'd like to build a 200 foot wall around England so that nothing can come in". Granted. Paddy Irishman looked deep in thought and carefully considered his wish. "Just to clear things up, about this wall, you say that nothing can get in, can anything get out?" The genie replied no, nothing can get in or out. "In that case, I wish to fill this 200 foot fortress with water"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. BY Saudi law, drinking is punished by 50 lashes.

So the prison officer says to the Scotsman "You are entitled to one thing on your back"

"Fuck off" replies the Scotsman.

He receives his 50 lashes and is thrown in a cell.

The prison officer then tells the Englishman the same thing.

"A pillow please" requests the Englishman.

A pillow is tied to his back and then he receives 50 lashes as well.

The Irishman is then offered the same privilege.

"The Englishman please"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were just sayin."

An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman
politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people
eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge
bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman
listened in silence. The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the
bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.
Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England.
Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Ian Paisley is abducted by aliens and after 5 years he's finally returned home. He bumps into a very dejected looking Sammy Wilson and demands to know what's happened since he's been away. "Well boss" says Sammy, "The news isn't too good i'm afraid. The Provos' have got their United Ireland, and Gerry Adams is President of the 32 county Republic." Paisley lets out a big sigh and sensing his boss is close to tears Wilson says "But on the plus side Rangers stuffed Celtic last week." "Well at least that's something," Paisley says smiling "What was the score?" "1-11 to 0-6" came the reply.


T.A.L.


ps. Can someone explain that to Patrick ?

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were in a public toilet, all lined up at the piss wall.

The Englishman finishes, zips up and walks over to the sink and uses loads of soap and water and before he leaves he says aloud, "In England I learned to be clean and neat."

The Scotsman finishes, zips up, walks over to the sink and uses a little bit of soap and water, but is still very clean. Before leaving, he says aloud, "In Scotland, I learned to be clean and neat but still environmentally aware."

The Irishman finishes, zips up and heads straight for the door. Before leaving he mumbles under his breath, "In Ireland, we learn not to piss on our hands."

There was a Republican couple who took their 4 year old child to the Royal Victoria Hospital and asked to see the doctor. The doctor asked what the problem was.

"Well Doc, we are now certain that we were given a wee Orange baby by mistake".

"What makes you think that?" asked the Doc.

"Well, our suspicions were raised first when he reached 3 years old and we found he was walking but not talking, but now we are certain. He barricaded himself in one of the four corners of his room, refuses to come out and claims that he belongs to the foreign family across the road".

A Provo shows up at the pearly gates of Heaven, and St. Peter comes out to greet him.

St. Peter takes one look at the man standing before him in a bally and says "I don't think you can get in here."

The IRA man says "Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the fuck out!".

You would not beleive me friends but I wanted to offer this topic week ago but let it out of me mind!!!
Fianna,

A little chicken meets a little skunk. The skunk asks:
- Who are you?
- I dunno...
- Lets's guess... You are small, yellow, fluffy... You are chicken!
- And who are you? Let's guess - you are impudent, dirty and stinky... You are brit!!!

The I.R.A. man tells to his son:
- After we had attacked the brits autocade we were retreatin'... Tommies were following us. Soon we ran out of food and Guinness. We were starving and felt thirsty...
- Dad, did you have any water?
- No, kid, we had no time for washing at all...

Englishman, Irishman, old lady and young pretty blond lady with big breasts are sitting in a train. It goes under a tunnel and everything turns dark. And suddenly you can hear very loudly that someone has hit someone.
The train gets out the tunnel and in the light they all see that the Englishman has a black eye.
The old lady thinks : The Englishman tried to touch the young lady's breasts and she hit him.
The young lady thinks : The Englishman tried to touch my breasts but in the dark, he touched the old lady instead and she hit him.
The Englishman thinks : the Irishman tried to touch the young lady's breasts and she wanted to hit him, but in the dark she hit me instead.
The Irishman thinks : I'm impatient to be in the next tunnel so I can hit you again !

A little boy in West Belfast found an orange sash on the street and picked it up and wore it. When he walked back into the house his brother saw it and started shouting "What the hell are you thinking boy? You take that rag and throw it in the bin!" So the little boy walks into the kitchen to do just that but there his mother sees him. "What the hell are you thinking boy? I don't want to see that rag in my house, you go and burn it!" So the little boy walks into the living room to do just that by there his father sees him. "What the hell are you thinking boy? You go to the garden this minute and bury that filthy rag!" So the little boy wanders to the back door, muttering under his breath. "I can't believe this shite, I've been an orangeman for five minutes and already I've been re-routed three times!"

I got sent this ages ago and I still don't get it. If any of yous find this funny let me know...I must be missing something...

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East, West and North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "�10,000 per call". The writer, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for �10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the minister and went along his way.

Next stop was Nottingham. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that for �10,000 he could talk to God. He then travelled to Liverpool, Manchester, Chester, Cardiff, Glasgow and Birmingham. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "�10,000 per call" sign under it.

Then he arrived in Belfast and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "10p per call" The writer was surprised so he asked the pastor there about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over Great Britain and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every County the price was �10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?". Ian Paisley smiled and answered, "You're in Belfast now son, it's a local call".

If I had to guess, Being in Ireland is as close to heaven as you can get (except for those damn Brits)

Two Brits are walking down the High street when they see a sign in a shop window. Suits L15.00, Shirts L2.00, Trousers L2.50 One said to the other one, "Look at that- We could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England, we could make a fortune, When we go into the shop, dont say anything, let me do the talking, 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us, So I'll speak in my best Irish accent." They go inside and he orders, 50 suits at L15.00, 100 shirts at L2.00, and 50 trousers at L2.50 The owner of the shop says "You're English aren't you?" The Brit replies "Oh brother.....Yes I am, How the hell could you tell?" The owner says..."'cause this is a dry cleaners"

In a Belfast school there is a new boy in a class... The teacher asks him:
- What's your name?
- Liam O'Brien.
- You should add "sir"!
- OK! Sir Liam O'Brien...

How do you get a Brit out of a tree?.... Cut the rope

What has the queen mother and princess diana got in common?

.........they were both hitting 102 when they died.






AND






What gets stiff with two strokes?

.......Princes Margaret

A Irish man runs out of a pub with his arms on fire and the Garda charged him with having an armalite.

Up The 'RA

I don't know Noel, she was a member of the British Royal family, a symbol of old British imperialism and power. They have no power now and very little influence, especially Diana, but they're still targets.

Anyway, she was a fucking hypocrite. Fuck her.

But your right, she wasn't the worst outta them.

Irelands_Son, class signature.

Sl�n tamaill.

A British 'Blonde' is standing in front of a soda machine... She puts in 2 coins, then presses the Coke button. A can of Coke comes out the bottom. She starts jumping up and down with excitement. She puts some paper currency in, presses the Coke button again, Not only does another can of Coke come out, but 2 coins as well. She starts jumping up and down again ecstaticly. She puts the 2 coins in the machine, presses the Diet Coke button and sure enough, a can of Diet Coke drops down. She is jumping up and down screaming with excitement. Fianna and Noel are standing there watching this happen. Fianna walks up to her and says 'What are you doing?' She looks at Noel, Rolls her eyes back and says, 'Duh, I'm WINNING'

Nice personal touch, good stuff!

By the way kids, on the subject of vending machines, try squirting salty water into the coin slot...sometimes, especially with older machines, it'll short circuit the electronics and you'll get a shit load of cans...or if you're very lucky, all the machines change!

Sl�n

Nice trick, ya creep.

How'd you find that out? Just happen to squirt salty water in a vendy machine one day?

It was shown to me!

But we only got cans. And it has to be the older machines. I'm not sure about the change though, I haven't seen that...if anybody wants to verify it for me, go ahead!

There was a coffe machin in my school. It didn't work very well. So if you put money in and can get your coffee, well.. that's winning.

Well, that's not a Republican joke, but anyway

Insanity Test

Let me know the results... as for me, well, it was positive

lmao!

lock me up

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

Yes I knew the same but he was asking for "a coffee and a girl to ride".
And as the flight attendant goes to see the pilot to warn him that everyone hears someone says "Hey you're forgetting the coffee"

Why did God create alcohol?

So the Irish wouldn't take over the world


Up The 'RA

Ireland has one of the world’s heaviest rainfalls. If you see and Irishman with a tan, it’s rust.

The Irish climate is wonderful, but the weather ruins it.

An Irish politician is a man of few words, but he uses them often.

I’m an atheist, thank God.

A hangover for me is when the brew of the night meets the dawn of the day.

It was a perfect Irish marriage - she didn’t want to and he couldn’t.

My family’s land was all in window boxes.

If bullshit was music that fellow would be a brass band.

Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for a funeral.

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.

My father had a profound influence on me - he was a lunatic.

There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about.

Some people don’t like the Irish, but we’re very popular among ourselves.

How do you wink at a brit?

like that: ??

I know the answer! Fionas' one is very close!

*cocks gun and aims*

You got it

The answer is...

everyone, meet Julia She can JAM too

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.


The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.


The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.


The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard!Spit it out!"

A Russian, An American, and an Englishman were sitting in a pub talking. The Russian proclaims... "We were the first ones to travel in Space" The American Proclaims..."We were the first ones to land on the moon" The Englishman says "I am going to be the first person to land on the Sun" The Russian and the American look at each other in disbelief and tell the Englishman "You will just burn up". The Englishman replies "Duh, I'm going at night"

There were two Brits that were refuse collectors. Each day, they would make one trip thru belfast, then to the dump, a second trip thru belfast, and then to the dump. By that time, the day was pretty well over.
One day, one of the Brits has a hot date that night. They decided to make two trips thru belfast and one trip to the dump so he could get done quicker.
After the second trip thru belfast, the truck was getting pretty full. The one Brit said he would climb on top of the garbage and hold it down while the other one drives.
On their way to the dump, they drove underneath a bridge. Fianna and Chucky were standing on top the bridge watching them when Fianna said "Hey, look at that. Someone threw away a perfectly good Brit"

lol, nice one

If a short fat Brit and a tall skinny Brit both jumped off a skyscraper at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

I suspect you're about to say ... "who cares" Patrick

Shamrock Rovers manager Liam Buckley sends scouts out round the world
looking for a new striker to hopefully win Rovers the Premier division.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
will
turn out to be a true superstar.

So Liam flies to Iraq to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges
for
him to come over to the new Glenmalure Park Tallaght.

Two weeks later Rovers are 4-0 down at home to Dublin City with only 20
minutes left and Buckley gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for
Rovers.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his
first
day in Irish football.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were
4-0
down, but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
players
and the media, they all love me"

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot
in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your
brother
has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset.

"What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his Mum. "It's your bloody fault that we moved to
Tallaght
in the first place".

If you go to Heaven after death St. Peter tells ye:
- Welcome, here is your harp...
If you go to hell after death satan tells ye:
- Welcome, here are your bagpipes...


- You know, Paddy, I've been at mass yesterday and I saw a woman there who was smokin'! You see - SMOKIN"! I've even dropped down me pint accidentally!

And one more about my favorite personage - father McLaren:

Father McLaren rebukes Paddy:
- Trust me son, one day you will die and go to hell for of your sins, and your torments will be terrible!!!
- No, holly father, I shall not have time for torments there - I will have to go and to say "Hallo" to all of me friends and relatives!