The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is HUGE-THOUSANDS. Her majesty and his holiness cant help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, The royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, That was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope SLAPS her.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Englishman were walking along the beach when they came across what seemed to be an ancient lantern. Curious to see what this was, they picked it up and sure enough, a genie popped out and offered them 1 wish each. Paddy Scotsman replied "I come from a long line of fishermen and I would like to have full control of the worlds oceans". Granted. Paddy Englishman replied "I'm sick to death of foreigners coming in to my country so I'd like to build a 200 foot wall around England so that nothing can come in". Granted. Paddy Irishman looked deep in thought and carefully considered his wish. "Just to clear things up, about this wall, you say that nothing can get in, can anything get out?" The genie replied no, nothing can get in or out. "In that case, I wish to fill this 200 foot fortress with water"

:D

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught drinking in Saudi Arabia. BY Saudi law, drinking is punished by 50 lashes.

So the prison officer says to the Scotsman "You are entitled to one thing on your back"

"Fuck off" replies the Scotsman.

He receives his 50 lashes and is thrown in a cell.

The prison officer then tells the Englishman the same thing.

"A pillow please" requests the Englishman.

A pillow is tied to his back and then he receives 50 lashes as well.

The Irishman is then offered the same privilege.

"The Englishman please"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were just sayin."

An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman
politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people
eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge
bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman
listened in silence. The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the
bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.
Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England.
Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Ian Paisley is abducted by aliens and after 5 years he's finally returned home. He bumps into a very dejected looking Sammy Wilson and demands to know what's happened since he's been away. "Well boss" says Sammy, "The news isn't too good i'm afraid. The Provos' have got their United Ireland, and Gerry Adams is President of the 32 county Republic." Paisley lets out a big sigh and sensing his boss is close to tears Wilson says "But on the plus side Rangers stuffed Celtic last week." "Well at least that's something," Paisley says smiling "What was the score?" "1-11 to 0-6" came the reply.


T.A.L.


ps. Can someone explain that to Patrick ?

;)

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were in a public toilet, all lined up at the piss wall.

The Englishman finishes, zips up and walks over to the sink and uses loads of soap and water and before he leaves he says aloud, "In England I learned to be clean and neat."

The Scotsman finishes, zips up, walks over to the sink and uses a little bit of soap and water, but is still very clean. Before leaving, he says aloud, "In Scotland, I learned to be clean and neat but still environmentally aware."

The Irishman finishes, zips up and heads straight for the door. Before leaving he mumbles under his breath, "In Ireland, we learn not to piss on our hands."

There was a Republican couple who took their 4 year old child to the Royal Victoria Hospital and asked to see the doctor. The doctor asked what the problem was.

"Well Doc, we are now certain that we were given a wee Orange baby by mistake".

"What makes you think that?" asked the Doc.

"Well, our suspicions were raised first when he reached 3 years old and we found he was walking but not talking, but now we are certain. He barricaded himself in one of the four corners of his room, refuses to come out and claims that he belongs to the foreign family across the road".

A Provo shows up at the pearly gates of Heaven, and St. Peter comes out to greet him.

St. Peter takes one look at the man standing before him in a bally and says "I don't think you can get in here."

The IRA man says "Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the fuck out!". :ph34r:

You would not beleive me friends but I wanted to offer this topic week ago but let it out of me mind!!!
Fianna,

No zippin', he gets kilt! :D

I have a big collection of the fennian jokes, but this one is a MASTERPIECE!!!
______________________________________

Well, there was the I.R.A. sniper on a roof surrounded by the tommy-boys...
He shouted:
- Hey, Smith!
- What the hell do you want, a fennian bustard?
BANG! - no more Smith....
- Hey, Johnson!
- What the hack do you want, the irish swine?
BANG! - no more Johnson...
Over the armoured car sits a young soldier with spectacles and prays:
- Oh, Lord, don't lets him call FitzSimmons!!! :ph34r:

A little chicken meets a little skunk. The skunk asks:
- Who are you?
- I dunno...
- Lets's guess... You are small, yellow, fluffy... You are chicken!
- And who are you? Let's guess - you are impudent, dirty and stinky... You are brit!!!

The I.R.A. man tells to his son:
- After we had attacked the brits autocade we were retreatin'... Tommies were following us. Soon we ran out of food and Guinness. We were starving and felt thirsty...
- Dad, did you have any water?
- No, kid, we had no time for washing at all...

Englishman, Irishman, old lady and young pretty blond lady with big breasts are sitting in a train. It goes under a tunnel and everything turns dark. And suddenly you can hear very loudly that someone has hit someone.
The train gets out the tunnel and in the light they all see that the Englishman has a black eye.
The old lady thinks : The Englishman tried to touch the young lady's breasts and she hit him.
The young lady thinks : The Englishman tried to touch my breasts but in the dark, he touched the old lady instead and she hit him.
The Englishman thinks : the Irishman tried to touch the young lady's breasts and she wanted to hit him, but in the dark she hit me instead.
The Irishman thinks : I'm impatient to be in the next tunnel so I can hit you again !