An Irish daughter had not been back home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time? Why don't you write? Don't you know what you put your old mom through?"

The girl, crying replied, "Sniff...Dad, I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here you shameless harlot, I don't ever want to see you again!"

"O.K. Dad, I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and....."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" the father says.

"A prostitute, Dad."

"Oh, bejesus, you scared me half to death girl, I thought you said Protestant. "Come give your old man a hug."

Belfast school:

- What is your name boy?
- Seamus MacNamara...
- You should add "sir"!
- OK! Sir Seamus MacNamara...


- Tell me the colours of the Republic of Ireland flag kids. Thomas?..
- The orange - that colour reminds us duke Willghelm who made us free of the barbarian language.
- Very well, Thomas. John?
- The white colour - that colour reminds us the bright intentions of the brittish empire to all of the irish people...
- Brilliant, John! Eh... Paddy?
- The Green colour that reminds us the green Irish land where all of you sick bastards will be digged!...

The UDA boyz came to father Murphy who used to talk at sermons about sick influence of the british invasion to irish people... They said:
- One more time and you'll be dead, popist swine...

Next sermon they came to see if it's wrong.
Father Murphy was tellin' about the Lord's Supper and everithing was all right...
But then father Murphy said:
- ... And then Jesus asked Judas: "Will you betray me?" and Judas answered "No, sir"...

Old Mrs. O'leary goes to see the doctor. He asks what he can do for her. She replied that it wasnt her, "It seems to be me husband. Seems he cant get it up anymore" THe doctor asks her if she has ever thought about using Viagra. "Heavens no, I cant even get the man to take vitamins" He suggests that when her husband isnt looking, to slip some into his coffee. She said she would try that. A few weeks go by when the doctor calls her to see how things are going. "Terrible, just terrible" she replied. The doctor asked what was wrong. "Well, I did like ye told me and when he wasnt looking, I slipped some into his coffee. It must have taken effect right away cause after the first sip, Off went the table cloth, the salt and pepper shakers went flying, he tore me clothes off and had his way with me right there on the table, Oh it was terrible" The doctor asks "You mean the sex was terrible?" "Heavens no, It was the best sex I've had in 20 years" The doctor asked her what was so terrible then. "Well, it seems I cant ever show me face at that McDonalds again"

An Irishman was drinking in a Pub. He had been drinking there all day. Finally the bartender tells him "Look lad, ye been cut off. Time to go home" The Irishman tries getting off his stool and falls flat on his face. He tries standing up and falls flat on his face again. He crawls outside and tries standing up,... flat on his face again. He decides that he will crawl home. He only lives a half km away. He crawls home and up his front steps. He tries to stand to unlock his door and... flat on his face once more. Laying there on the stoop, he reaches up and unlocks the door. He crawls inside and up the stairs and into his bedroom. He tries standing up to take his clothes off and falls flat on his face on the bed where he passes out. First thing the next morning, his wife is right in his face hollering... "You were at the Pub again last night werent you?" He replies "How could you tell?" She hollers "Damnit, You left your wheelchair there again!"

When a giraffe, a Scotsman and an albatross entered the pub the bartender cried out "what's this? some kind of joke or what?".

- After the autocade attack we were hidin' in the ruins. The third day we ran out of Guinness and whiskey. We were very thirsty...
- Daddy, did you have any water?
- Listen to me, son, we had more serious troubles then washing...

Why did God create booz?

To keep the Irish from taking over the world.

(IMG:http://www.cagle.com/news/LondonBombing/images/lester.gif)

The USA government today announced
that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!


B)