Celtic Tiger tries to get less tanked - CRISIS IN IRELAND

By Scott Feschuk

As more young people take up drinking in Ireland, the Irish government has announced it will take drastic steps to fight drunkenness. Post Mortem has obtained a copy of its new seven - point plan:

1. The legal drinking age will be raised effective immediately, to nine (9). Alcohol producers will no longer be able to put ads in such previously acceptable locations as billboards, hymn books or boxes of crayons.

2. Bringing bottles of alcohol on school trips will be strictly prohibited. Teachers who need a drink during the outing should bring their liquor in a wineskin or thermos.

3. Pubs near schools will no longer be allowed to open until two (2) hours after the end of the school day. Pubs in schools will now only operate during the lunch hour.

4. Employers will be required to suspend any employees who have been drinking, unless of course there are no other pilots around to fly the plane.

5. All bottles of alcohol shall be affixed with warning labels that caution: "If you drink and drive,remember go slowly and try not to hit anybody.

6. Liquor stores will no longer be permitted to sell products targeted at young people, including such popular items as "baby's First Whiskey". Pharmacies will no longer be permitted to sell any brand of rubbing alcohol that is packaged with such exceptional items as straws or shot glasses.

7. As it pertains to Communions, all churches shall be required to enforce a two - glass maximum.

All these laws are needed to stop the Irish being the drunken, useless wasters that they are.